In the beginning we agreed on an appropriate time and place to meet each night. Our relationship seemed normal. He had been in my life so long that I couldn’t remember when he wasn’t next to me. I remember when I could go for nights without seeing him. I was so focused on having fun! His strict schedule was stifling me. I couldn’t be creative or stay up late to finish work. I tried to leave him for years. I wish I didn’t need him. I tell him I am leaving like I have done before. He indignantly said you will return.
He is always there waiting on me to return. He laughs out loud. He smiles as I playfully hit in the chest. He whispers welcome back my love.
Night after night I try to deny that I want him or need him. When I’m with him I’m happy and calm. He wakes me up with a smile on my face. I have enough energy to get in needed workouts. Life is so good with him. I even find myself loosing weight when I see him for extended periods of time. My mind becomes clear and focused. My overall well-being is better when I let him have his way with me.
However, I refuse to give him credit for my success! I have gone for years with just a few hours of his time and been good. I keep saying to myself stop giving him credit. I am my own woman, I don’t need him! I have others to care for and things to do. I don’t have time for his passionate kisses. I don’t want his touch to engulfs me anymore! Sometimes he scares me, because most of the time I can’t remember what we did when we’re together. Lately, he has become so forceful and controlling! It’s time for me to leave. Do I want stay away forever?
He starts to call me almost as soon as I leave. I’m in meetings and doing work. He is sending subliminally messages. I can hear him saying come to me NOW! I go take a walk. When I was younger, he did not run behind me. As I have grown older, he checks on me more. Sometimes I can only stay away a day or so. In the past, I could stay away for several days. I wish he wasn’t so selfish. Why can’t we just sneak around and hang out a few hours a day? I told him I’ll stay if he just plays by my rules. He told me he has standards that he will not lower for me. He says he requires time with him daily. He wants my commitment. I refuse. He becomes angry and tries to force me to go away with him all day long! I fight him! He wins! I’m under his spell again.
He reminds me that he can be addictive and too much of him will make me lazy or even more tired. I laugh, he is really full of himself. I stay and take advantage of all his benefits! Soon I start to grow weary of this mundane schedule he has created for me. I try to function without him. But, I always return to him reluctantly. Embarrassed by my departure-return cycle. I get upset and he kisses my forehead. He whispers, stop running we belong together.
I plan on leaving again. This time I’m going to date one of his best friends. So, I try to get a new lover his friend, THE BED. I wanted to hurt him and make him angry. I wanted to prove to him I didn’t need him at all. He laughed very loud and said as you get older THE BED will betray you.
As the years passed THE BED and I began to fight constantly. My back was hurting, I wasn’t sleeping well, and THE BED was the issue. THE BED wanted me to buy support every 5-10 years to make me feel better. What had I done? I could see that my lover was correct but I didn’t want to admit it. I returned to my lover. He said I told you he would betray you.
I told a long story just to say get you some sleep!
On February 12, 2020 I got a text message from the man that I thought was my future husband. I expected this text. It was part of a cycle that he and I had created together.
We have been on again, off again, for several years. Each time it ended with a strange text after our honeymoon phase had ended! Each time we did better, we lasted longer, but it still always ended this way! A forced text. He could get away with this because we live in different cities. He also knows I will not run behind him. I love deeply. I will not let go until I’m finished. That could be an hour or years.
He wants to be the supplier of all my financial wants and needs. I’m financially independent. When he has a financial burden, he shuts down. We hit this brick wall every time! We said this time would be the last time. No more breaking up! I will always try to make it work if I see hope. My love, passion, and determination helps me so much in my life. It has helped me reach so many personal goals. However, in love it can set me up for failure.
For love, you will always consider the rocky road and the killer cliff even when you know danger is ahead. – Keshia Barnett
So let’s fast forward to a month later. I have the coronavirus. I’m feeling like I’m about to die. His shirt is warm when I’m cold and cold when I’m warm. I would tie it around my neck to cover my coughs. I would sleep on it. It brought me great comfort. I talked to him via text. We were done emotionally. I didn’t miss him. I just needed to know that he didn’t want me to die. That he would be hurt if I died. Is that strange?
In April, I started healing! In May recovery was in full swing. Self-published two books in two months! Feeling blessed to be alive. I have no reason to keep the shirt. The shirt is still here…
I’m questioning myself. Should I throw the shirt away?
Go and get my new book! So excited!!!This was such a fun book to write! My daughter and I also shared this together, with her serving as co-illustrator. Making great memories in the pandemic! https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08BDVN6MQ
You can’t complain when your heart’s desire happens? Can you? Well, maybe not complain but just reassure yourself that the path you are currently taking is the right one. The life of a self -published author is busy! It’s a hustler’s game. You are responsible for your own success and/ or failure with no publishing company to blame if you don’t succeed. THAT IS SCARY!!!
However, I would not trade that type of autonomy EVER! Ultimately, it’s up to me to make me or break me and everyone should be so blessed to have that experience in life. The difficult part for this independent only child is the networking that seems like CONSTANT begging!
Well, like anything else, it’s how you frame that screenplay in your mind. It is intense asking people to believe in you and share with others their endorsement. It’s either a naive dream of mine, or it’s a dream with nightmare tendencies. Either way, I’ll take it all. I’m ready for it ALL! BOOK #2 is almost done!
What happens when you make it through a negative situation? You always make a great punch. The desire was always present. I truly believe God honors our heart’s desires but of course not on our time.You could also make lemonade, lol.
For 15+ plus years I have wanted to write a book and nothing moved! My mind didn’t move, my years of training as an educator didn’t help me, and my own life experiences did not move me toward my book goal at all.
Then, I find myself attempting to heal physically and emotionally after getting over the coronavirus. I realize my daughter is emotionally traumatized after my illness. So we write a book in 2.5 weeks. What an excellent experience to validate my daughter’s emotions.
Life is about timing. Sometimes that which was so impossible became so easy! That’s how life works. So, maybe I’m finding my way to MY STORY through OUR STORY? Stay with me! A new journey begins.